on your journey, i will bless you...

On Friday night, Sara and I pulled out the sleeper sofa and watched Gigi, me for the first time. I loved it, and I didn't know how I didn't see it sooner, because I'm such a big fan of old-school Hollywood musicals. (The Sound of Music, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, My Fair Lady, The King and I, Gypsy? All love. The only exception in Singin' in the Rain, which I absolutely detested. I feel it's a rather cruel caricature of Clara Bow.) But the best thing about it was Maurice Chevalier, who has to be the most devlish, most French man who ever lived! I added him to my wish-list of grandfathers.

I hadn't intended to change my middle name, because while I don't really love it, I don't really mind it, either. But of course my name-obsessed sister couldn't miss this opportunity, and she started lecturing me nonstop about how I had to pick a new middle name, one that I really loved. I tuned her out until she suggested Eloise, which has been growing on me. I like the sound of it, and it was my great-grandmother's name, even though I never knew her and even though she personally hated that name and went by Louise her entire life. I believe she's buried under the name Louise, but I'm not sure since I've never been to see her grave! Shame on me. Maybe when the weather gets cooler I'll make a drive out there. (Update: Finally saw it!)

Anyway, I haven't decided on Eloise for sure, because my current middle name, while boring, still creates better flow. But since my new last name comes from my dad's family, Eloise would be a nice way to keep the other side of my family (I won't use the words "my mom's family," because it sounds wrong) in my name. I never knew my great-grandmother Eloise/Louise, but from what I've heard, she was a bad-ass old Cajun lady, just like Grandma. She refused to speak anything other than Cajun French, even after everyone else in her family had learned English. Have to admire that kind of stubborness. [/Sara-influenced name rant]

I really should get my hair cut soon. It's been over two years now, and it's just getting ridiculously long. But having my hair cut is not an experience I enjoy. *sigh* Along with my hair and name, I'm considering making other changes to my life.

So I'm thinking about changing my name. I've wanted to do it for a long time, in the sort of half-hearted way of most people who aren't totally happy with their name. I mean, I think it's common to hear people say they hate their name or want to change it, but rare to see anyone actually follow through and do it. For years I've been saying I want to change my name, but lately I've been giving serious thought. I don't know why now.

I love my first name and identify strongly with it. I love the sound of it -- dynamic, strong, and bold; even though I might not possess those qualities in abundance, I'm glad my name does, and I can't imagine I won't always feel this way. (And I'll always be grateful to my dad for giving it to me and not letting Mom go through with Jessica or whatever name she wanted.) According to one of Sara's baby name bibles: "Tender and graceful, Rebecca has long been a literary favorite. Recently, biblical 'rediscoveries' like Hannah and Abigail have been more popular, but Rebecca remains an unquestioned classic." (Gah, listen to me talking about names! But this is what living with Sara does to you.)

I like my middle name well enough. It's my last name that's the problem. The sound of the it, and having it constantly mispronounced, and always having to spell it for people -- those things don't really bother me anymore because I've gotten used to them. My last name wouldn't be so bad by itself, but it just clashes horribly with Rebecca. Sometime in college, in one of my French classes, we were learning about how the French language is basically built around avoiding cacophonies, and I realized that my first and last names create a cacophony! (I remember thinking, "How in the hell can I go to France with a cacophony in the middle of my name? They'll laugh me out of the country!" While in France, no one ever mentioned it, but I knew it was there, and that bothered me. But not as much as the boo-hiddy haircut I had while I was there.)

As I said, I've thought pretty hard about this, and I've decided that changing my name wouldn't feel like renouncing who I was and everything I did under my previous name. Probably because, again, I've never identified that much with my last name. It also wouldn't feel like I was separating myself from my family, since the new last name -- which I've had picked out since high school -- is also a family name, my grandmother's maiden name. (Even though none of the relatives that I'm close to/see regularly have this name.) It would probably present the same problems of getting mispronounced and misspelt, but it would go much better with Rebecca and give me a last name that I like as much as my first.

But of course, it turns out that changing your name is easier said than done. The process but varies by state, but it usually involves filing a name change petition, getting it approved, possibly paying some fee, then getting a new driver's lisence and social security card (and possibly a new birth certificate, and if I ever leave the country again, a new passport) -- plus changing records with your bank and employer.

I guess the question comes down to whether I want a new name enough to go through a buttload of paperwork for it. Feedback on this would be appreciated.