on your journey, i will bless you...

I'm still having regular dreams about being in a car crash. Last week, I dreamt that I rear-ended my cousin Matthew in our grandma's driveway (and his mom is the car insurance agent for both of us) and just last night, I dreamt that I was driving around my old neighborhood in Baton Rouge and crashed into a police officer! Blegh! I've also been dreaming a lot about being late for work (ever since I came in really late back here).

Things I've done with my tax refund check so far:

• Paid my library fine. Finally! 
• Gotten Muse Watson inspected. I may or may not have let his inspection sticker expire.
• Taken me and Sara out to lunch at Cici's. I love Cici's pizza, but I hate going there by myself, and she almost never wants to go with me. Oh well, at least I have my gas station pizza.
• Bought Adam a ticket to X-Men: First Class. He had his birthday last month, so I paid for his ticket as his present. Call me a bitchy sister, but I really resent buying Adam a birthday present. He was 24 this year, and he's never had to work for anything in his entire life. I am not exaggerating. He still lives with Mom, who pays for everything he wants/needs. When I was that age, I was supporting myself, and Mom had made it clear that she didn't want me living in her house. It's kinda hard not to be bitter over this.

Okay, a warning before you read any further: This entry will offend and/or disgust everybody. For those of you who read it anyway, I invite you to vote in comments on which exchange is the most appalling, A, B, C, or D.

(A) Apparently there was a discussion in one of Sara's classes over famous murders of recent years, and the Andrea Yates case came up. Sara told me later that when it happened, our mom cut out and saved all the newspaper and magazine articles about it. I don't remember her doing this, but it wouldn't surprise me if she did. I told Sara that I could picture Mom reading about it and thinking, "Yes, live the dream, Andrea! Kill your children!"

(B) During the same discussion, one student mentioned a woman who killed her baby in the microwave, and Sara matter-of-factly said, "I wonder how she fit that baby in there. I mean, I could never fit a baby in my microwave." At which point, several people in the class turned and stared at her.

(C) A few nights ago, I was putting a pizza in the oven for Sara and making fun of her fear of putting things in the oven herself. She got pissed and said, "Why don't you shut up before I shove you in the oven? That would be your real introduction to being a Jew." Maybe I shouldn't have been shocked after living with her for as long as I have, but my jaw still hit the ground.

Edited to add:
(D) While Sara and I were at Mom's house for dinner...
Adam: Weren't these Dad's bowls?
Me: I don't know. Maybe. [Pause] Oh, dammit! I forgot to ask who!
Adam: What?
Me: Sara and I are trying to look confused and ask "Who?" whenever anyone mentions Dad. You know, like we don't remember him. But we keep forgetting to do it!
Adam: [glares at me]

One of my guilty pleasures is the hot food counter at Wal-Mart. I set foot in Wal-Mart maybe three or four times a year, but whenever I do, I make sure to grab some of their chicken tenders and potato wedges. They're so good, and last time I went, I found out they've started carrying little packets of dipping sauces at the same counter, including blue cheese sauce! I love you, cheap American food!

One of the Jonas Brothers was on this today's cover of Parade magazine. (One of the curly-haired ones, not the flat-ironed. I don't know their names. Alvin? Theodore?) I looked at it and the first thing I thought was, "Corey Haim was on magazine covers once. Is he going to wind up like Corey Haim someday?" This is one reason why I don't put much stock into child actors. Child actresses by and large tend to age much better, prettier, healthier, and more successfully.

The stupidest commercial on TV right now are the ones for Brinks Home Security. Every one shows a white woman in the suburbs having her door/window smashed in by a big, angry-looking man who's always carrying a crowbar (never a gun or a knife), is usually a minority, and often smashes in the window in broad daylight while the woman is standing right in front of it. Right. I know that as a white woman living in the 'burbs, I have my door kicked in on a regular basis!

One of my friends-and-relations went into my store yesterday and told me today that the short guy with the ponytail was "very obviously homosexual." I know just who she was talking about, and he is, but it still struck me as a somewhat... judgmental thing to say. I remember describing him as "flamboyant" when I first met him, and wondering the way you wonder about Quentin Tarantino, but unless he grabbed another guy and they made out right in front of her, how is it "very obvious"? My family can be nosy and gossipy sometimes (like most families in the south), and they can be annoying (like all families anywhere). But I don't think that gives you cause to write them off, to ignore them, to pretend they don't exist. That's why it pisses me off when my mom's family tries to defend her behavior. I don't think she has any good reason for it.

Sara and I have ended up staying at Mom’s house for much longer than planned, which has both ups and downs. Although I’ve enjoyed seeing Grandma, Adam, Athena, Sable, the cats, playing Adam’s Wii, eating Grandma’s spaghetti, and updating my iPod (I have 80 songs on it now), overall this trip has been extremely depressing. I’ve come to realize that I no longer consider Mom’s house my home, which I suppose means I’m growing up. The disrespect that Mom shows to me and, to a much greater degree, Sara is simply unbelievable, especially when compared with her favoritism for Ben and Adam. She has been treating us this way for as long as I can remember, so I should be used to it by now, but for some reason, I’m not. It’s still very hurtful. I’m also looking forward to leaving because I forgot my preventative medecine, and so my asthma has been very bad here (it’s always worse around Sable). I lost count of how many times I woke up wheezing last night, and my albuterol inhaloer is running low.

I think Ben has gotten weirder since the last time I saw him, judging by the comment he made when he saw me reading an article on the French presidential election in Paris Match: "I’m glad they elected Sarkozy." I turned around and yelled "What?!" so loudly that I think Ben actually jumped. He said something about Segolene Royal being a fascist and Nicolas Sarkozy being the lesser of two evils, and I could have argued with him, but I was too shocked. I keep forgetting that just because everyone in the LSU French Department hates Sarkozy, it doesn’t mean everyone in the world does. Obviously a lot of people don’t hate him, or he wouldn't have been elected.

Something else I’ve realized while I’ve been here is that besides being a great cook and gardener, Grandma is a spectacular amateur photographer. This is especially obvious in photos of her children when they were young. A found a big box of them at her house and many of them were so beautiful that I had to ask Grandma if she had ever studied photography (she never has, which I should have assumed, given what I already know about her education).