Somewhere He opens a window...

[rebecca_in_blue]

What will this day be like, I wonder?
What will my future be, I wonder?
It could be so exciting
to be out in the world, to be free.
My heart should be wildly rejoicing.
Oh, what's the matter with me?
I've always longed for adventure,
to do the things I've never dared.
Now here I'm facing adventure.
Then why am I so scared?

This will be the last entry I make before I leave for France, and all day my emotions have been on a roller-coaster. I'm alternately excited, terrified, and depressed -- the way I feel when I'm reading a Harry Potter book for the first time, but of course this is bigger than any book. I've been running errands and packing all day, trying to make sure I'm ready to go, which has actually made me feel worse, not better. It just seems like I've left everything waiting until the last minute, which is very bad, because if I'm unprepared now, what is it going to be like when I get on the plane? When I get to France? But some good news is that while I was driving Mom's car earlier, I heard the song "Superman (It's Not Easy)" on one of her CDs, and for whatever reason, it made me feel a lot better about everything. I'm adding it to my iPod right now.

I have said goodbye to all the family, which of course was very sad. Aunt Connie and Eva actually interrupted me in the middle of typing this entry by driving over just to say goodbye to me, which was incredibly sweet of them. I think Uncle John almost came close to crying when I said goodbye to him, but he didn't (which is good, because I've never seen him cry and it would have been weird). And tomorrow, the day I'm leaving, is the third anniversary of Aunt Carolyn's death, which makes it even worse. Mom, Sara, and Adam will be coming to the airport with me, so I'll be saying goodbye to them last. I actually think leaving Sable will be the hardest part of all; it causes me real physical pain to imagine that Sable will think I don't love him, or that it's his fault I'm gone. I just love that dog so much.

I'm worried about so many things. Even with all the classes I've taken on French, I don't feel prepared, and I don't know what to expect. What will the school be like? What will the students be like? Last May, when I had to do a presentation on ten different film adaptations of Peter Pan for screenwriting class, I was nervous about talking in front of the class, even about a subject that I knew so well. What the hell makes me think I can be a teacher? Last August, when I moved into my new apartment, I didn't have any idea what to expect either, and of course moving in with three strange girls is scary for a shy person like me, but it doesn't even compare to moving to a new country where everyone is a stranger. In 2003, I was so terrifed to start college in a new town, but even then, I knew it wasn't as scary as it could be, because Sara was with me. I'm doing this all alone. But I should probably stop this now before I make myself even more worried.

I like to think of "Defying Gravity" as my personal theme song, and last November, while I was filling out the application to have this little adventure, I rewrote the song to fit my situation. It's not quite correct anymore, because when I wrote it, I thought I would be going to Lille, not Amiens. But Amiens doesn't rhyme with anything, and Lille does. Here are the lyrics to the original song, and the ones that I wrote.

So if you care to find me, / So if you care to find me,
look to the western sky. / look south of la manche.
As someone told me lately, / As my professors told me,
everyone deserves a chance to fly. / you deserve a chance to go to France.
And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free. / And if I'm going solo, at least I'm going now.
To those who'd ground me, / To those who'd ground me,
take a message back from me. / take a message back from me.
Tell them how I am defying gravity. / Tell them how I am becoming fluent.
I'm flying high, defying gravity. / Listen to me talk, I'm becoming fluent.
And soon I'm match them in renown. / And soon I'll speak just I'm French.
And nobody, in all of Oz, / And nobody, in all of Lille,
no wizard that there is or was, / in les banlieues or la centre-ville,
is ever gonna bring me down! / is ever gonna bring me down! 

Comments

Rebecca's excellent European adventure

[(Anonymous)]

Dear Rebecca, It was exciting to hear your news. You will be just across la manche from us so we will certainly hope to see you in London. We have a nice guest room here and you are welcome to come anytime, just give us some notice.
Please let us know how long you are planning to be in Amiens--and are you going to be teaching English?
Your post brought back the first time I went to Europe when I was seventeen, to spend a couple months with a Swiss family. It was the single most helpful thing I ever did to improve my spoken French.
I also spent the spring semester of my junior year in Paris. My boyfriend joined me there, which was probably a mistake from the language point of view, but it was fun.
We will probably be in France the week after Christmas, in Paris and Annecy.
Hope you had a great trip, and look forward to hearing from you soon,
Laura

Re: Rebecca's excellent European adventure

[rebecca-in-blue.livejournal.com]

We have a nice guest room here and you are welcome to come anytime, just give us some notice.

Thanks! I am definitely going to take up on that. I know my earliest vacation is the first week of November for All Saints Day (aka my mom's birthday), but of course it's very iffy whether I'll be able to travel then. I have to get settled in and get paid first. But I really want to make at least one trip to London and see the JM Barrie sights. And maybe some Harry Potter ones. Are your children still into Harry Potter? I seem to remember that they were at one time. I think the zoo where Harry first spoke to a snake is in London, and King Cross train station.

hi from aunt connie, uncle john and girls

[(Anonymous)]

dearest rebecca
are you there yet? hope your flight was easy and uneventful. we are thinking of you. it is 2:45pm and i am fixing to pick up eva from school. uncle john is helping me with this since i am new to "blogs"
go to bed and get some rest. we love you and are all thinking high thoughts of you. love, us

i'll be sure to give this to aunt celeste and i'll print it out for grandma and aunt carla.

Re: hi from aunt connie, uncle john and girls

[rebecca-in-blue.livejournal.com]

i'll print it out for grandma and aunt carla.

Thanks! Tell Grandma to try not to worry about me too much. And believe me, getting a good rest was the first thing I did.

[(Anonymous)]

i also hope your trip was uneventful. write again soon and often because i have a very boring life and hope to live precariously through you. who sings the song Defying Gravity? ive never heard it before. what was the name of the book that both you and sara had read in school and sara liked it and you didnt? yall mentioned it last night. will you be checking your email along with this? athena

psst... it's vicariously.

[makebeliever.livejournal.com]

i don't remember this book, but since i have no memory, that's not a surprise. hmm. OH! love medicine, by louise erdrich. it's a book of interconnecting short stories about native americans. i think she wrote other books with the same characters but i never read those. i know rebecca read a book that her ex-husband (now deceased), michael doris (?), wrote, called yellow raft in blue water. i think she liked that one.

you should read the echo falls books by peter abrahams. the first is called down the rabbit hole. they have it at central library.

[rebecca-in-blue.livejournal.com]

Defying Gravity is from Wicked, the musical about the Wicked Witch of the West. (Note the reference to Oz and the western sky in the lyrics) It's hella awesome. And I do read all these comments and e-mails, even if I don't reply to all of them. Maybe I will once I spend more time with this keyboard.

puta, i hate to say it...

[makebeliever.livejournal.com]

but sable has a brain the size of a peanut. i don't even know if he can remember people in the long term. anyway, don't worry about him! me and adam will take care of him, though we won't spoon feed him the way you do, i'm sorry. there's only two people i will spoon feed and that's johnny depp and the beautifully-named child we will one day have together.

i hope you are reading this in v-c, and everything on the trip went well. post an entry about the flight and your school/room/etc as soon as you can. oh, and include some french names! don't try to overdo anything, though. take a nap so you don't get too jet lagged.

i miss you! and i love you muchly. i am sending you an email now, too.

Re: puta, i hate to say it...

[rebecca-in-blue.livejournal.com]

You say Sable can't remember in the long term? That's the pot calling the kettle black!

Re: puta, i hate to say it...

[makebeliever.livejournal.com]

I take offense to that! My memory is way better than Sable's. Sable can't even remember Dad anymore, probably, and I can.

(Or can I?)

(Yes.)

Atmoroununc

[(Anonymous)]

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