What will this day be like, I wonder?
What will my future be, I wonder?
It could be so exciting
to be out in the world, to be free.
My heart should be wildly rejoicing.
Oh, what's the matter with me?
I've always longed for adventure,
to do the things I've never dared.
Now here I'm facing adventure.
Then why am I so scared?
This will be the last entry I make before I leave for France, and all day my emotions have been on a roller-coaster. I'm alternately excited, terrified, and depressed -- the way I feel when I'm reading a Harry Potter book for the first time, but of course this is bigger than any book. I've been running errands and packing all day, trying to make sure I'm ready to go, which has actually made me feel worse, not better. It just seems like I've left everything waiting until the last minute, which is very bad, because if I'm unprepared now, what is it going to be like when I get on the plane? When I get to France? But some good news is that while I was driving Mom's car earlier, I heard the song "Superman (It's Not Easy)" on one of her CDs, and for whatever reason, it made me feel a lot better about everything. I'm adding it to my iPod right now.
I have said goodbye to all the family, which of course was very sad. Aunt Connie and Eva actually interrupted me in the middle of typing this entry by driving over just to say goodbye to me, which was incredibly sweet of them. I think Uncle John almost came close to crying when I said goodbye to him, but he didn't (which is good, because I've never seen him cry and it would have been weird). And tomorrow, the day I'm leaving, is the third anniversary of Aunt Carolyn's death, which makes it even worse. Mom, Sara, and Adam will be coming to the airport with me, so I'll be saying goodbye to them last. I actually think leaving Sable will be the hardest part of all; it causes me real physical pain to imagine that Sable will think I don't love him, or that it's his fault I'm gone. I just love that dog so much.
I'm worried about so many things. Even with all the classes I've taken on French, I don't feel prepared, and I don't know what to expect. What will the school be like? What will the students be like? Last May, when I had to do a presentation on ten different film adaptations of Peter Pan for screenwriting class, I was nervous about talking in front of the class, even about a subject that I knew so well. What the hell makes me think I can be a teacher? Last August, when I moved into my new apartment, I didn't have any idea what to expect either, and of course moving in with three strange girls is scary for a shy person like me, but it doesn't even compare to moving to a new country where everyone is a stranger. In 2003, I was so terrifed to start college in a new town, but even then, I knew it wasn't as scary as it could be, because Sara was with me. I'm doing this all alone. But I should probably stop this now before I make myself even more worried.
I like to think of "Defying Gravity" as my personal theme song, and last November, while I was filling out the application to have this little adventure, I rewrote the song to fit my situation. It's not quite correct anymore, because when I wrote it, I thought I would be going to Lille, not Amiens. But Amiens doesn't rhyme with anything, and Lille does. Here are the lyrics to the original song, and the ones that I wrote.
So if you care to find me, / So if you care to find me,
look to the western sky. / look south of la manche.
As someone told me lately, / As my professors told me,
everyone deserves a chance to fly. / you deserve a chance to go to France.
And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free. / And if I'm going solo, at least I'm going now.
To those who'd ground me, / To those who'd ground me,
take a message back from me. / take a message back from me.
Tell them how I am defying gravity. / Tell them how I am becoming fluent.
I'm flying high, defying gravity. / Listen to me talk, I'm becoming fluent.
And soon I'm match them in renown. / And soon I'll speak just I'm French.
And nobody, in all of Oz, / And nobody, in all of Lille,
no wizard that there is or was, / in les banlieues or la centre-ville,
is ever gonna bring me down! / is ever gonna bring me down!